Part 1 of a 6 part series. View series intro and index.
I have a degree in communication studies from the University of Nebraska. That’s not very special. It’s not like I’m an expert. You can ask my fiancée, my parents, my friends or…anyone to confirm this. You don’t have to be a Ph.D. to be an expert in communicating however. I love quality communication and desire to work harder at it.
If you think about it, it’s really amazing that any message ever gets across to anyone else. Why are we so bad at communication? The most important thing is to remember what Paul Tripp says: “You are your biggest communication problem.” That has been revolutionary for me. It is taking me from pride, thinking I’m always right and understood, to humility and figuring what to say and how to say it.
Over the next few weeks, we’ll be taking a look at common pitfalls in communication. None of this is based on research. It’s just my humble opinion. Let’s start with number one: assumptions.
Assumptions about Information
So often, we think that other people have availability to the same knowledge that we do. Sometimes they do, and don’t utilize it. Other times, they don’t, but aren’t to blame. Whenever we have meetings, phone conversations, a friendly get-together, lunch, or send an email or a simply text message, we need to be absolutely clear about all the information we know about. It never hurts to withhold information, even if you feel you might be repeating yourself. Get all the information on the table and don’t assume the world knows what you know. On the other end of the spectrum, it can be deadly to not mention even the tiniest detail. You might think it’s common knowledge, but if it’s not, then you’ve ruined it for everyone.
This is true whether it’s communication between a husband-wife, parent-child, manager-employee, friend-friend, or any kind of relationship imaginable. It’s a product of the human condition that when we speak, we assume that everyone knows what’s going on in our minds, what we were thinking, what we are going to think, and where we’re going next. The problem is, if information is lacking, everyone will be confused and you will be to blame.
Assumptions about Intention
Not only do we make assumptions about people knowing (or having access to) information, but we also make assumptions about people’s intentions when they speak or do something. Of course, the Bible says that out of the heart come evil thoughts and words and actions (Mark 7). So we know that at our core we really are wicked people. But by God’s grace, generally, in interpersonal relationships and in the workforce context, people tend to have the best intentions when they communicate.
This has been so difficult for me to learn. Sometimes I think people are always out to get me. Obviously, this is very wrong. Rather than having a “me against the world” attitude, we need to know that people we interact with, especially those closest to us, want to work with us, not against us. If I make an assumption that my ministry associate or my fiancée, for example, is working for my ill, and not my good, I will either withdraw, get angry, fabricate the truth, withhold communication, or do a number of other things. In short, I need to believe the best about the person instead of assuming the worst.
Most relationships in life are joined together, in some way or another, to accomplish a common goal. In the Christian context (and so in all of life), the goal is to glorify God. In a family, it’s to be happy; in a business, it’s to gain a profit; in school, it’s to get good grades; in a neighborhood, it’s to maintain safety; in a non-profit, it’s to a cause.
If we make assumptions that people communicate poorly or do something wrong on purpose, then we will become a hindrance to communication and progress to whatever type of goal we are trying to reach, whatever it is.